Looking for my life’s purpose

What is my life’s purpose? What am I here, on earth, for? These are difficult questions, questions my mind has been, for far too long, trying to answer with the description of a profession, or rather, a calling, that has me waking up every morning with joy and earning lots of money. But that is perhaps all the videos on solo businesses I have been watching and all the self-help books I have been reading.

I am not that person. I would love to be them, though. I have always struggled to find my passion, not because I have none, but because I have too many. I have varied interests and honestly, I feel life has too much variety for me to be solely focused on one activity.

Speaking of which, I did, for a long time, believe that my life’s calling was learning, immersing myself in the arts and in literature, learning new languages and discovering new cultures, until the analysis of art and literature became too much hair-splitting and nitpick-y and somehow meaningless. And until I realized that discovering new cultures and people was just giving me a dopamine rush and nothing else. Or maybe, until the pressures of life, of having to find a job for myself and settling into a stable relationship and life took over. Or maybe, I simply lacked the patience to pursue one subject (drawing, painting, writing, photography) single-mindedly.

Now, after all these years of writing as a journalist though, I feel my life’s purpose could be something more basic. Journalism is, ultimately, representation, mostly of stories, events and experiences that happen. Art too, is the artist’s way of seeing the world. I seem to need something more immediate, something that is not once moved from the direct, sensory experience of being immersed in an event.

So I thought that maybe, working with people, helping them, solving their problems would become my life’s purpose. Until I realized that I was also carrying the weight of their needs, their feelings and emotions, which slowly became too much to bear. I still work with people, but as my life purpose, that is lost to me.

At this point, I feel, it is futile to define my life purpose, or rather, connect my life purpose to any activity, especially a professional activity, to my livelihood. Today, I feel I have found my life’s purpose when I sense a deep contentment inside me. It’s a restful feeling that arises in me not as a result of an activity, but of being present in the moment perhaps. Sometimes I find it in an activity as mundane as cuddling with my cat, or making apple pancakes or watering my plants. Or, like a good friend says, looking after his grandchildren.

Maybe purpose is not about achievement, as I have so often assumed. It’s about liberating myself – or rather – my self from all that I think I should be doing or should have. And I might just find my purpose doing some random activity, just living my life.

„What is the ultimate purpose of our journey through life?„

„To get to the other side.“

Mulla Nasruddin