„If you had to sum up your life philosophy in one sentence, what would it be?“

I found this question when I opened WordPress this morning. Sometimes, it’s strange how things show up exactly the way you want to. Or maybe it isn’t strange, it’s how things actually are, how life actually shows up and we are unaware in our pursuit of whatever it is we are aiming for.

I don’t really have a life philosophy. I don’t want something monolithic for my life, I want my ideas to change and adapt. That feels most normal to me.

Recently, I realized how averse I was to feeling. Of course, my father’s sudden death and the long list of traumatic events that followed had led me to think that avoiding feeling was the best to cope with life. I made a lot of bad decisions, as a result: I got into terrible relationships, made bad career choices and developed a way of showing up with people close to me that immensely compromised my well-being. But my subconscious has a way of kicking me into awareness. I say it this way because my mind, my heart make it so difficult for me to live through situations that it feels are bad for me.

For example, an unsuitable job will make me unhappy. My mind will agonize about it, argue with me, I will be constantly plagued by questions and problems, people in my workplace will show up in the worst way possible, my body will feel like a battlefield, until I give in and say, okay, it’s time to leave.

But I’m getting older now, and I have decided to learn from my avoidance of my feelings. I don’t have to avoid feeling bored when I am waiting at the airport for a flight that’s delayed for several hours. I can tell myself I’m feeling terrible, while being polite to other people about it. I can let myself feel the pins and needles and stay with it, until I know what the feeling is trying to tell me. Maybe it doesn’t even want to communicate – maybe it just wants to be there until it goes away by itself.